sore throat is killing me. food everywhere that i can't eat. is having the worst craving for meatball marinara sub and chicken murtabak right now. have just eaten instant noodles, feeling very unsatisfied and hair-losing.
went out today with yihui to watch this movie Find Me Guilty, in which vin diesel starred. colour me overwhelmed and impressed, i had no idea he could act so well. hell, i didn't even know he could speak human. this movie, more than 2 hours long, was all about this italian mafia trial sometime back that lasted for 2 years, every single freaking day of it. so basically the set was real cheap and simple, it alternated between courtroom-cell-courtroom-court backroom-cell-courtroom-lalala-. i say inevitable backgroundanimalgrunt aside, he makes a real charismatic speaker in a suit, who'd have thought...
had quite a fun time in which we ate fries with caramel dip and in which i resisted buying lido popcorn! how disciplined am i, you tell me. of course, said fries killed me, am having a bitch of a sore throat now.
in other news, was watching ep 411 of qaf and realised that for two consecutive episodes, brian and justin were not in the ending scenes! amazing! has never happened before. and also, queer as folk is not looking so queer these days, what with the straight dating and straight kissing and straight sex. it's starting to get irritating, partly because they're taking up brian/justin time. not that brian's looking so hot now. getting old... time for more deathday cake.
brainwaves are stagnant enough to take online personality tests and post them on blog:
meishi, you're a Critic!
You're complex, thoughtful and never content to skate on the surface. Chances are you veer towards being so analytical and introspective that even positive qualities can seem like faults. The truth is that you have a very perceptive, gentle spirit.You hate chaos at work and prefer a structured environment and sometimes you feel undervalued by your boss. There's a part deep inside you that's aching to make more money. And that's just scratching the surface!
everywhere i go i'm either a skeptic or a critic. i must not know myself well enough to do an accurate test. hmm.
down with cough and headache and a lot of stress. went out with shim and sy yesterday on food trail but all i could think of was the camp. don't know what i'm putting myself through all these for. should follow own advice, that if something's not fun anymore, it's not being done right, and it should stop.
now faced with 19-31 may full stretch of camps. having mixed feelings. dunno who else's doing this besides ayub, who's crazy and in love, unlike me, who is not, and is going to need to find moral support.
in fact, everything started rolling downhill and balling up from yesterday morning. some things just come crashing out of the sky to squash you flat and smear you all over the tiles, and you never see it coming. i didn't.
god, feeling nauseous.
i can logically break down the sources of my stress into:
a. inadequacy as trainer --> dreading camps b. noise at home c. hence always needing to go out d. but feel like neglecting mother e. everyone going to ntu, which i didn't apply to even though it costs only $15 more f. really wanting to go ntu now g. lkc scholarship interviews concluded 2 days ago, yours truly obviously uninvited h. finding out that smu is RJ territory, god, i don't want to spend 4 yrs with rgs pple i. if i applied to ntu, could have bunked with shim and taken classes with her j. obligation to study for SATs, on 6 may, although useless now k. no motivation to study, makes it worse cos obligation still there l. spending problem. am never going to curb self-indulgence. m. am contradicting self, but can't wait for briefing and next camp --> huh? n. thinks i look like shit now o. no motivation in life, now that not even looking forward to uni
okay, have realised mega problem is uni. now the mega mega problem is that i can't do anything about it. suck this up.
a little excerpt from a conversation with emily today:
sian says: i attended the potong pasir rally yesterday -=SaturN=- 19-22, 26-29, 30-31... not even enough underwear to last through lah... says: hahahahah! -=SaturN=- 19-22, 26-29, 30-31... not even enough underwear to last through lah... says: how was it? sian says: amazing -=SaturN=- 19-22, 26-29, 30-31... not even enough underwear to last through lah... says: -ly dumb? sian says: chiam see tong's name is like THE g-spot sian says: shout his name and the whole crowd goes into orgasmic fervour
i would vote for the opposition party, really, if only they weren't so poor that they can't even afford their own printing paper, and if only they could spell.
is fuckiest camp ever. hate it. the only thing that pulled me through first day was 2x buddy kai who was peh with me during wet weather. was great comfort to have excuse not to be hyper. much love to buddy.
nothing else to say. like, fuck it, hate the kids.
Brian: I thought I told you to get out? Justin: I guess I didn't hear you. You tend to mumble a lot. You want some soup? It's Debbie's homemade recipe. Brian: No wonder I feel like barfing. Listen to me, you little shit, I don't want you here. Justin: I don't care what you want. Justin: You're not getting rid of me. Justin:Shit! Are you all right? Tell me you're all right. Brian: I'm all right. Justin: No you're not. Brian: Then what the hell are you asking me for? Justin: So that I can tell you what a motherfucking piece of shit you are for not telling me. For shutting me out. For thinking that you can handle this on your own. And most of all for thinking that I would leave. Why would you think that? Because you had a ball removed? Because you're no longer perfect? Well believe me, Mr. Kinney, that is the least of your imperfections. And if I wanted to leave you, I've had better reasons, plenty of them. Brian: Maybe you should have. Justin: Yeah, maybe you're right, but I thought we had a commitment, and I plan to stand by it. Now, I want you to get your ass back in bed, you son of a bitch. And eat some fucking chicken soup.
what's with the sudden interest in my love life... been questioned like, three times about my relationships in less than a month when it has never been a problem before.
mum is currently nursing ideas about me being/turning lesbian. one conversation went like this:
mum: you know, you shouldn't let your friends influence you too much. clueless me: i know, i know, do i look like the type who'll take up smoking to you? mum: ...no. clueless me: duh. mum: ... clueless me: *drinks soup* mum: ...so, did you have any boyfriends in JC? clueless me: *soup halfway down throat* um. mum: ...i mean, you don't seem interested in *small voice* boys? clueless me: ...
after i related that incident to hj, the conversation went like:
hj: so your mum doesn't approve of you having girlfriends. me: which is not to say that she approves of me having boyfriends. me: *pauses* which is to say that she likes me straight, and single! hj and me: *pause* me: which i am!! hj and me: ROFL
had one of the B.E.S.T kayaking trips ever!! XD we had beautiful sunshine, face slapping rain, clear green sea, abundance of oranges and raisins, out of control Athletes, skipping fish, sunburns, and so so so much fun. even the toilets are clean this time. this is what oac life's supposed to be.
much much impressed by our two NSmen, shiwei and jd, who have like, turned into MEN. men who actually help girls launch off and beach up, men who swept the group and accompanied kailing at the back who was seasick, men who for the first time, like, the first time that i can ever ever remember, acted like, well, men. it brings tears to my eyes *sniffs*.
made good time today, and distance felt v short cos wasn't tired at all. trip to food centre was with tide, kayak kept going 360 degrees, very irritating. coming back against tide, much easier to control, but was v slow. started pouring just before we reached and the raindrops were really huge and painful. wheeee~~~~!!! XD
after that went to travel fair where we wanted to queue up for free popcorn but there was only candy floss left. i still wanted to queue but decided there is a time for everybody to slowly let go of the lingering ramifications of an unfulfilled childhood and the time is today, the time is now, meishi! you can always buy it later.
tioman is sort of settled. just have to get the no. of people going.
then sat at subway and ate another meatball marinara shared with great bitchbuddy hj again :D then told ailin and alp and justin about inno gossips. in which my social education of inno is furthered, and i found out that There Were Actually Even More Lesbians Than I Thought. Even More Than After I Adjusted My Er Thoughts. and found out the identity one of huijie's suiters that made me go heehee. HEE HEE HEE XD
by grace of james blunt, bad mocha, ass-freezing cold and a confusing talk about the difference between facts and truth, truth and Truth, history and History, i feel much better now :]
enlightened by weileong. have been thinking in a too narrow perspective all along. instead of fretting that can't find goodbye my lover mp3 or you're beautiful mp3, should have thought beyond these intellectual blocks of single songs and download entire album through bittorrent! =D which i did, and made me feel all peaceful today, much platonic love to wl! (just in case someone else's reading heehee)
also much love to chiobu and seekie for the entire cao cao album and bad day and more james blunt XD saved my soul yesterday night.
called best friend this morning to make sure she's still alive and not depressed over love life and family. have not talked for so long. sigh. bittersweet feeling whenever i talk to shim, always happy to be talking to her, but also always feel that that shouldn't be the case cos we should be talking so often that it's not uncommon. is personal opinion that she doesn't need a boyfriend who's such a control freak over her friends, since she's under enough control by her family already. but of course, it's just a best friend's opinion, who am i to critisise. if he ever hurts her i'm going to make him so, so sorry, somehow.
also arranged semi-gumi outing on monday. wc cmi, so dunno... just to meet up with yiting and za, cos haven't seen them for... so freaking long.
going kAyaKiNg! tmr~~~ tralala~! then am going malaysia travel fair to try settling the tioman trip. yay! go tioman! :D wants to go KL too but this month must must must do 1 more camp!!
also heard from shimmie then mother today about the j1 guy who killed himself over a small dick. should not be amused and rolling on the floor laughing, but cannot help it XD is too funny. guys have really screwed up priorities... you don't see girls with aa boobs jumping off buildings everywhere, yah? girls are smart enough to know that there are things called iMplAnTs, gee.
bummed around with emily and got from her the remainder of qaf. is estatic and will rush off now to savour more brian/justin love XDDDDD
love to emily for waking me up :) i feel so much better...
talked much to huijie today about things that have been plaguing me for a while. money, friends, life, school, relationships... felt v good to get things out. am glad that there's someone else who realises how easy we're having it, that we don't have to worry about not having enough money to go to U. been thinking a bit after the small talk i had with germaine the other day, and it's always surprising how you don't realise how much your parents have done for you, until you found out they haven't.
lethargy persists. still not interested in anything. popped by town today to meet pple who just broke camp, but it didn't do anything for me. only felt more stress somehow. then went to rot in borders again. have to study SATs.
highlight of day was discovered the meatball marinara sub, which i hope will fill up the void that the seafood sub had left in my life. i miss you so much, sweetheart.
need more music in my life. waiting for yihui to book out and send me Bad Day, which i can't get out of my head. also thinks james blunt will suit my mood now. mood deteriorates cos cannot find place to download james blunt.
bought new goggles yesterday! have now upgraded to speedo from aquapro, hurrah! =D you're on your way to Cool and Pro, ms!
in other news, feeling of loss and loneliness persists. itinery for today consists of watching minority report in the blessed morning silence (BLESSED!! hallelujah!) over toast and milo, some mooning around, then called juli and got her to help me borrow SAT books from school lib, then hauled my ass off to school to collect it. even disguised myself in sch uniform. then spent a substantial part of my youth trying to photocopy the whole princeston review SAT book and finally gave up after 1 paper.
then trooped down to recce the newandimproved! island creamery, where reversO beckoned but in a fine display of admirable self discipline i managed to overcome the incredible temptation and got the teh tarik scoop instead.
bad choice, should have stuck with reversO.
then mooned around for like an hour, and this is the good part: i was SO close to going down to dfac to just take a peek at the campfire. so, so, close.
loneliness makes me one pathetic shit. in the end decided would never forgive self if i relented, so went town instead to meet emily. in the end settled down at my new home Borders, furnished and ready to move in, and attacked the practice papers. then the same security guard that checked whether i was dead yesterday told me i was not allowed to copy notes from the books there. was too embarrassed to explain that i wasn't copying notes, i was just recording personal feedback to selected questions brought up, and that as an overworked and underpaid pre-undergraduate J3 semi-student, the hell i can't do that!
but i just laughed nervously and shuffled away, thank goodness.
usp and smu admission interview was today. can't say much for usp, besides being late, it's quite okay, at least i said something.
unlike smu, in which i stuttered and stammered and don't know if i got my points across. screw group interviews.
met up with those who end camp today afterwards. v shagged. before smu i went to borders to study for SATs and ended sleeping for like an hour in the kiddies section. the security guard even came to wake me up to ask if i'm alright. *dies* even bought red bull to stand by in case really pengz.
was funny cos first thing i walk into the seminar rooms corridor i saw cakes and TEA, and i was like, hell yeah, so i just took a cup with me and even put sugar and everything. then later i sort of realised that it was only for staff. dOts... i even brought it into the waiting room and the woman was looking at me but didn't say anything. oOps...
next camp is 26-28 apr, think is pri school. sai, like all the trainers going KL. dunno how to do camp liddat. didn't think about this point until yy mentioned it today on the train. told me not to do, cos will be hell. but sai again, cos yesterday already told shu fang to confirm me. next 7 days no camp at all, dunno what i'm going to do. sai.
been thinking about the marymount camp a lot, had to get it out somewhere. i don't know what is it about the camp that i'm so hung up about. at once one of my best and one of my worst camps.
maybe because it's an rm camp. still having stress-moments whenever i think about the tks camp. fuck, was nightmare. not going to forget anytime soon. everything from the bus ride to the urban challenge to the stupid fuckers who kept making trouble.
anyways, marymount. girls primary school... was expecting an easy camp, cos, well, girls primary school... in many ways, yes, it was the easiest i've ever had it, in terms of kids, and the teachers were really cool, and idham and weining were great cc/2ic.
it's the many screw ups that accumulates stress, and what's worse is that someone is always there to cover for me, and they don't come and scold me for it. will feel much better if i get yelled at or something. because it's like, my seventh or eighth camp already, and i still made so many simple mistakes. --> late to mass dinner after sand castle, letting kids use bowling toilet for sandcastle and dirtied up floor and had no time to apologise to janitor, didn't carry my own toy pieces after sandcastle though we were told to (cleanly forgotten), other groups had to wash and fetch mine cos was busy washing kids cos thought only my group was wet, letting kids go brush teeth on their own after supper and dragged v long, michelle had to chase them. then somehow got saddled with ismail's kid and went all the way out to the pier to comfort her, to my horror. did not inform kai, though on hindsight the situation should have permitted use of handphone. buddy was all alone for tent-pitching, and he was so pissed and i was so so so so so sorry. supper clean up wasn't done properly cos i was rushing to get them to sleep and those pampered kids don't know how to clean up anyways. was planning to come back on own to clear basins, but hui yun helped me... then forgot all about lunch duty the next day, not only that, also came in late after compass hunt, michelle helped again. told kids to go sit down at table while i do the washing point and they ran to kai, and i am so so so sorry again ;_;
was so stressed on first night, but went to cool down at lighthouse.
kids were strange this time round. felt more like sec 1 kids than p5. kept asking me who i had a crush on, from day 1 icebreaking to last day queuing up for bus. like, huh? pri 5 sia... and they had this issue with tap water that's so irritating and kept refusing to fill their bottles. blah. not the enthu and sweet kind of girls like ai tong was, but more mature and a little cliquish, with clearly defined leaders and followers. in the end won most enthu group and again, like, huh? trainer was how peh lah... kids were chatty and good when raraing them against other groups like kai's and adrian's. otherwise in games cooperative but not enthu.
someone told me they won cos of compass hunt. again, huh huh huh? another screw up of mine, didn't know what was going on, the clues were so unclear and i totally blur. in the end had to redesign the whole game, esp cos the dinosaurs were like, not there by the time we did our hunt. asked them to draw pictures of the place instead, and played hot and cold game instead of using compass. *dies*
was upset about rock wall. only cleared like, 5 kids. pissed off. kids all wanted to climb so much! first time! they were all cheering for their friends all the way sia... didn't know what went wrong. was i too slow in security check? anyways efi was late, lucky idham took over. idham was brilliant (for someone who fell out of a tree hee), felt he was really involved. like this is the first time the kids all know who the cc and 2ic are.
felt camp ended well though. trainers really worked together well on last day. even though there's rain, even though there's shortage of manpower, even though matrix was totally screwed up, we still did everything very very smoothly, better than expected. tents were all folded up nicely with poles, they weren't wet, kids weren't wet, area cleaning for carpark done, everything nice. one thing that made all the difference: we weren't the most fun, we weren't the coolest, but we were willing to work hard. well, most of us.
yups. learned so much. much love to kai and michelle and all the other trainers.
hello blog, it's been more than one freakin year since i've bothered with another one of you sad manifestation of humankind's inner exhibitionist. could never sustain the updates, because it feels a hell lot like homework. that you don't want to do. like all those weekly chinese letter writing and bi-weekly chinese newspaper reports and those also bi-weekly chinese essays in sec school. cripes...
i'm writing cos i like the blog's name. bitemynails... describes me. whenever i'm in front of my comp i bite my nails, whenever you see me stoning i'm thinking of biting my nails, whenever i sleep i dream of biting my nails. kidding. (also, just for information, the acct name is bitemytoenails. ((because bitemynails's already taken)) and i love peeling my toenails. haven't tried biting before.)
and cos life's been lonely enough lately that i feel pathetic enough to whine to my computer. (don't misunderstand, darling, i love you just fine, and this does not spell anything bad for our marriage, really. look! 6 years and going strong! we're gonna be alright, babe.) guys in army throwing grenades, girls in office throwing tantrums, meet once every two weeks to throw our money away... and somehow it's only me who ends up with $2.41 left in her bank acct. figures.
met a cool bunch of people at work, but i get this feeling that they're too cool for me. joined inno about one and a half months ago, should be considered quite experienced already, but somehow still manages to screw up every single camp. still relying on buddy and other trainers to wipe my ass for me, it depresses me everytime i think about it. feel stressed every time i go for camp.
also because of one other person who's bugging the hell out of me. can't stop thinking about it and it pisses me off. it's like a sine curve rollercoaster. just climbed out of one rut to the top, and i'm tipping over again. and i'm not sure i like that kind of stress. blahh.
this will prob be my camp log from now on until... whenever i quit. ailin, cheryl and lib joining, i heard. hope huijie will still be around by that time sia. babe flying off to the other side of the world, sheryl too... this is really where jc life ends. i'm going to count every week i have with them... think there's kayaking this weekend, hopefully there'll be more people than like, the last time.
