down with cough and headache and a lot of stress. went out with shim and sy yesterday on food trail but all i could think of was the camp. don't know what i'm putting myself through all these for. should follow own advice, that if something's not fun anymore, it's not being done right, and it should stop.
now faced with 19-31 may full stretch of camps. having mixed feelings. dunno who else's doing this besides ayub, who's crazy and in love, unlike me, who is not, and is going to need to find moral support.
in fact, everything started rolling downhill and balling up from yesterday morning. some things just come crashing out of the sky to squash you flat and smear you all over the tiles, and you never see it coming. i didn't.
god, feeling nauseous.
i can logically break down the sources of my stress into:
a. inadequacy as trainer --> dreading camps b. noise at home c. hence always needing to go out d. but feel like neglecting mother e. everyone going to ntu, which i didn't apply to even though it costs only $15 more f. really wanting to go ntu now g. lkc scholarship interviews concluded 2 days ago, yours truly obviously uninvited h. finding out that smu is RJ territory, god, i don't want to spend 4 yrs with rgs pple i. if i applied to ntu, could have bunked with shim and taken classes with her j. obligation to study for SATs, on 6 may, although useless now k. no motivation to study, makes it worse cos obligation still there l. spending problem. am never going to curb self-indulgence. m. am contradicting self, but can't wait for briefing and next camp --> huh? n. thinks i look like shit now o. no motivation in life, now that not even looking forward to uni
okay, have realised mega problem is uni. now the mega mega problem is that i can't do anything about it. suck this up.
