Thursday, November 30, 2006
8:30 AM

SQUEE!!! XD

maya started another new harry/draco fic!

she left Quality of Mercy hanging! but it's okay! XDD

at 8.30am i woke up to valiantly continue watching management webcasts, and i will not click on that link. will save it to cheer myself up after i flunk the paper.

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Wednesday, November 29, 2006
4:52 PM

i never thought that simplicity could restore my sense of self-worth. it did, this morning, but that was only until i talked to francois. even through all ze acksents and my own disability in understanding them, i could make out that i did my answers sort of wrongly. oh, well, at least dr parwani gave sweets.

and the more i read my unit 3 essay - which i submitted in crowing smugness on sunday - the more distressed i become. i had no focal texts, i made grammatical errors, i rambled, and i did many other similar abusive things, but most devastatingly of all i titled it 'homophobia and the singapore government'. god am i unoriginal. my previous one was 'eliminating eliminative materialism'! it was inspirational! a stroke of witty brilliance! what happened this time?! worst thing is i don't think we'll be getting back our grades anytime soon, so i have until next sem next year to stew on my little disaster. rah!

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Tuesday, November 28, 2006
11:49 PM

felt sick after the econs paper. it's prelims all over again, no matter how much you stare at the questions, you come up with so many possible answers it's hard to see which is the correct one, or you have no answer at all.

i didn't do half the paper. good job meishi. you always know you'll regret not studying but you don't study nevertheless.

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3:35 PM

blogging on whitebook again.

and i don't believe this!! they stuck masking tape on it!! MASKING TAPE!!!

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Thursday, November 23, 2006
9:34 PM

shim, i just found the meiji black bar you gave me before you left on my cd rack. it's a bit dusty but still tastes okay.

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Wednesday, November 22, 2006
9:23 PM

wasted an afternoon reading a straight fic. it's a reflection of how much i don't want to study. but am repenting. will finish entire unit 3 essay tonight to make up for non-productivity, never mind that i've not yet written a single word.

also, mum just went zipping off to thailand with aunts and a husband (of the aunt). until sunday. mum is going to buy stock. and shop. aunts and husband are going to shop. without me. who desperately needs shopping. daughter and niece slogging for exams and they go shopping. where is the family love and supportive environment for the child??

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Tuesday, November 21, 2006
9:12 PM

in the large gap between this update and the last, many minor things happened.

of course it would be such that the moment i get time to study, i won't want to anymore. and so i don't. and what do i do? i play final fantasy xii. which is fantastic, has a mature plot, has mature dialogue, has good english seiyuu, has a yuna incarnate, has the most number of important looking characters die in the first 15min, and has definitely more charms than the mcshane management textbook, which i will keep even after this module just in case my mum has insomnia relapse.

i vented satisfyingly about the bloody textbook in the teaching feedback, which was, as i told sy, an extremely cathartic experience. all those pent up objections to stupid sweeping statements, bitchy professor days, horrible accents, whimsical korean lecturers, oh the liberation!

i enjoyed starting comments with 'sir, i find your lecture entirely...' or 'ma'am, you have never made sense throughout the...'. and in the end, when i hit 'submit', there was this whole feeling of vindication and i was so happy. i just hope like, they really won't release the feedback to the lecturers until after they like, release the exam results. ah, haha. erps.

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Thursday, November 16, 2006
8:40 PM

36th hour of non-sleep, but feeling liberated.

simplicity over, fna over, now i have time to study. god, it makes me happy.

also, found thumbdrive, and no penalty for late fna project. yummy.

now if only my whitebook will call or something, i feel so handicapped without it. if i don't hear about it soon i will like, sing. ~I MISS YOU LIKE CRAZY, EVEN MORE THAN WORDS CAN SAY, I MISS YOU LIKE CRAZZYYYYY~ *wails*

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9:38 AM

ok. not a single wink of sleep. winks have been substituted by ricola sweets, milo, breakfast and right now, apple chips. i actually feel awake, and this is what you call dynamic evolution. who says millions of the same species must die before a new ability gene pops out?

here's to hoping the rest of them touched up on their parts.

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Wednesday, November 15, 2006
8:58 PM

every day of the week just gets suckier and suckier, i don't get how.

half an hour late in getting in the fna term paper today, tutor was gone from office, so i kicked it under the door, since that's what i do.

that's actually not the sucky part. the sucky part is too long to regale, but in short it involves me running ( i mean it literally) from biz to central to YIH to adm to central and to biz again. and i got lost looking for his office. and i just found out i left my thumbdrive at the lab, and it's not even 2 months old yet.

and tmr the simpli term report is due, and i haven't done my part yet, and i'm compiling. that's not the bad part. there're three people in the group. the bad part is that i'm afraid i'll be doing 2/3 of the work tonight, and it'll probably be my 2nd 35-hour day of the week.

oh, and i missed the conference with dr don today. i ran in to tell him i couldn't make it, and he was so nice about it and he let me reschedule and it freaking sucks, this feeling.

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Tuesday, November 14, 2006
11:46 PM

my whitebook is in critical condition.

yesterday when i opened it the screen refused to load, and at night when i opened and closed it more times (i know, it's not really a book, i do), the hard disk just started running, the system hung, and it refused to stop running. this morning when i woke up it'd been running the whole night, and it was so hot :( i cradled my feverish book to school and skipped my lecture to bring it to the clinic.

technician pressed and poked and the almighty icon my my new religion OS X refused to appear. i should have guessed the only way to stop it running is to take out the battery, but i didn't, and my carelessness scarred my one and only.

doctor: *flips book over to rest on its topside*
me: *stops breathing*
doctor: *takes out battery*
book: *slides on table*
me: *heart stops*

of all the IGNORANT and DASTARDLY things to do!!! he put my whitebook on the table!!!! isn't he the apple doctor? shouldn't he know his charges well? doesn't he know that it's not a powerbook and it catches scratches like a bitch?? even i have never put it topdown on the table before. ever. when i looked at it afterwards there were those disfiguring micro scratches all over it. my GOD.

he went on to calmly tell me that he wasn't sure what was the cause of the failure, he'd have to send it for a thorough checkup first.

all the while i was holding my breath and imagining we were having a different conversation:

me: did you just slide my whitebook across the table??
doctor: what's wrong?
me: are you daft? do you drop a newborn baby on the floor?? have you been dropped before??

it looped several times in my head and played out in different ways, but what actually transpired was:

doctor: it'll take about 3-7 days for it to come back from repair. do you want to send it?
me: ...isn't there any like, first aid you can do? temporarily? before the organ transplant?
doctor: no.
me: then can i add a note for them to BE CAREFUL with my book? i'm anal about it.
doctor: no.
me: *stares*
doctor: i mean, they know to be careful with it.

i was bursting with four letter words, but the only ones that came out were OKAY and FINE.

i hope it's okay :'(

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11:38 PM

i'd like to spend my 100th post being grateful to lovely people around me who honour me by reading my ranting journal and sending me caring messages in various and assorted forms.

you make me feel loved, and i will make my new year resolution in advance, and that is to remember all my friends' birthdays and reply to sms's faster. love ya all much *MUAK*.

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Monday, November 13, 2006
12:06 PM

it always bugs me when i get depressed or upset and want to rant on my blog, because i personally despise people who constantly ponder in their blogs what life is about, how to find meaning, why it's so sad etc in a purposefully cryptic way that they hope you interpret as they are harbouring some immense private hurt that they want to share but cannot put into words to share with you. frankly, nobody's interested.

but i'm in canteen right now and i'm being depressed and i'm not eating, i'm having this thing called a depressed lunch which i explained to weeliang means mooning over your laptop *in the freaking canteen* and not eating and watching other people eat and getting more depressed. so i'm like, *blogging in the canteen* with friends beside me.

and it'll be so sad to be caught blogging in the canteen by friends because it's sad to be caught blogging about sad things anyway. it's just one of those thing cool people like me don't do.

so i'll go get my brownie and forget about what i'm actually going to blog about.

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Saturday, November 11, 2006
10:34 PM

when somebody puts a BUSY sign on their nick, it can be generally interpreted that they're BUSY. when people are BUSY, the common sense conclusion is that they have not enough hours in the freaking day to talk to YOU.

and if you are one of those who think that 'if they don't put their status as 'appear offline', then they aren't *really* busy', then maybe you should consider the possibility that THEY NEED TO TALK TO SOMEONE ELSE, WHO IS THEIR PROJECT MATE, WHOM SHE NEEDS TO EXCHANGE FILES WITH, AND WHO IS *NOT YOU*!

there is no politically correct justification to ignore or be irritated with someone who's just being friendly, but i think there's a limit to the obligation of being friendly back, for someone who just*isn't* as friendly. and fuck, i'm just NOT THAT FRIENDLY. i need my fucking space and i have my own fucking work to do and i'm so fucking sick of not being able to complain to anybody in this fucking school because the fucking politically correct interpretation of this situation is that i'm a fucking self centered bitch!

*fuck* i miss my friends.

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Friday, November 10, 2006
3:57 PM

if i don't sleep now i'll drop dead. i thought i wasn't really that tired, but then i read 'the panacea to all problems' as 'the pancrea to all problems' and i knew i was wrong.

doesn't help that i have a black eye that cheryl (polo) gave me just cos she was jealous of my beauty. or that my mum saw it this morning, screeched, and *embalmed* my face in zambak. god, i'd have preferred *camo cream*.

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Thursday, November 09, 2006
12:42 AM

ripped from ritchell's blog, a pic she took from postsecrets.com :D


ubersingles ole~!

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12:12 AM

things that i should be doing right now, but that i'm not doing:

1. deciding how choosing brunettes and blondes fit into game theory
2. figuring out how the size of insect colonies correspond to their foraging productivity
3. writing about how homophobia in singapore is all the government's fault
4. losing weight

but i was thinking back on my mind module and being awed by Dr Don's biosemiotics papers, and wondering what it is that i'm learning in the mind class. i feel that my unit 3 essay should be on what i've wanted to write on all the while that i'm grinding through unit 2, which is the emergent property of neural activities into the cognitive mind. but no, i had to indulge myself in government bashing. then Dr Don mentioned McGinn again and i thought McGinn summarised the question behind the mind module nicely. This is a passage from McGinn quoting a passage from Terry Bisson:

Consicousness is so familiar that it is hard to appreciate what an odd phenomenon it is. We tend to take our consicousness for granted and not wonder about its origins and grounds. Let us then try to step back from our consicousness and defamiliarize it. In particular, let us try to develop a sense of the oddity of the mind-brain link. We can start with an extract from a clever science fiction story by the writer Terry Bisson. (The link between mind and brain can seem like pure science fiction.) It takes the form of a conversation between an alien explorer who has visited earth and his commander:

"They're made out of meat."

"Meat?"...

"There's no doubt about it. We picked several from different parts of the planet, took them aboard our recon vessels, probed them all the way through. They're completely meat."

"Ther's impossible. What about the radio signals? The messages to the stars?"

"They use the radio waves to talk, but the signals don't come from them. The signals come from machines."

"So who made the machines? That's who we want to contact."

"They made the machines. That's what I'm trying to tell you. Meat made the machines."

"That's ridiculous. How can meat make a machine? You're asking me to believe in sentient meat."

"I'm not asking you, I'm telling you. These creatures are the only sentient race in the sector and they're made out of meat."

"Maybe they're like the Orfolei. You know, a carbon-based intelligence that goes through a meat stage."

"Nope. They're born meat and they die meat. We studied them for several of their lifespans, which didn't take too long. Do you have any idea of the life span of meat?"

"Spare me. Okay, maybe they're only part meat. You know, like the Weddilei. A meat head iwth an electron plasma brain inside."

"Nope, we thought of that, since they do have meat heads like the Weddilei. But I told you, we probed them. They're meat all the way through."

"No brain?"

"Oh, there is a brain all right. It's just that the brain is made out of meat!"

"So... what does the thinking?"

"You're not understanding, are you? The brain does the thinking. The meat."

"Thinking meat! You're asking me to believe in thinking meat!"

"Yes, thinking meat! Conscious meat! Loving meat. Dreaming meat. The meat is the whole deal! Are you getting the picture?"
.
.
.
We can state the problem this way: Isn't there some kind of violation of the uniformity of nature in the fact that brains produce consciousness? Brains seem very similar to other parts of animal bodies, being basically a big collection of cells organised according to biochemical principles. Yet there is a yawning chasm between the natures of these entities, because brains produce consicousness and those other meaty organs do not, not even a little bit. This fundamental difference is not predictable from the physical similarities we observe. If we were to observe all the body parts apart from brains, we would arrive at the conclusion that body parts do not produce consciousness. But then we encounter brains and are brought up short. They violate the natural belief that collections of cells do not generate minds.

Aren't you inspired? Isn't it interesting? :D


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Wednesday, November 08, 2006
10:01 PM

was talking to shimmie about the student demonstration against the university fee hike in london, which i read from hj's blog. london's so exciting :( she wasn't convinced, so i explained that the nus student union only organise bazaars that sell hotdogs. i don't think the stompaids bazaar even sold condoms.

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Tuesday, November 07, 2006
6:40 PM

NEW AND SHINY THINGS!

titles happen in this blog usually when events are associated, linearly or otherwise, with one another.

first, what happened was that i received my spanky wanky credit card, which is NOT the totally common and plebian NUS debit card (whahahahah!). i was overjoyed, and wanted to use my macbook photobooth to very conveniently snap a close up of It's Blindingness and share it on my blog, but i then realised that that'd be a very, very stupid thing to do.

good thing i think.

and on the letter that came with the card, it says that i'll have to use it within 14 days or else it'll spontaneously combust, so i was in great pain forced to make a trip down to NUM to see what i can subject myself to buy. despite me going down for the fourth time, the size 3/4 braz sandals still didn't fit (imagine, the cheek!), and size 1/2 were still conspicuously missing, so i decided i couldn't buy sandals. the coolest thing around nowadays are WHITE STRAPS, so i got a pair of flops for $26.

my mum saw them this morning. when i told her they cost $26, she nearly disowned me.

then i asked how much she thought they were worth, and she said $3 to $4.

she also said that they looked like pasamalam slippers, and i was about to disagree, because the WHITE STRAPS were so brilliantly white, but then i recalled telling jy many many times the same thing.

peer pressure and conformity and lack of individual opinion is a terrifying thing.

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Friday, November 03, 2006
3:10 PM

i'm suspicious of the many good things that are happening. i actually got a good grade for my unit two essay, which i wrote with a kind of defeated attitude. i was really going to give up on it until my final conference, where DD highlighted mcginn's thesis.

it feels like someone up there is trying to distract me with pointing to the sunrise while dark clouds gather in the west.

in a nutshell, karma isn't working.

i shouldn't have scored how i did with the kind of effort i put into my studies. i mean, i'm really terrified with how slack i'm being, and i'm picking up now, but i'm afraid i'm like, clearing out my alloted good luck for the sem and leaving my bad luck to be like, unleashed during the finals. i remember this was how i was like just before my J1 block test, for which i got a probably unprecedented FFFO.

doesn't help i'm still at chapter 1 for management, and attended only 2 lectures for econs. the backload of work is HUGE.

i really hope this sem works out well. but i've really got a bad feeling. most of all that i'll get complacent and have to eat my own words when i get my CAP.

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Wednesday, November 01, 2006
1:17 AM

i had a johari window some time back, but i think i've changed a bit since. please help in my self improvement, if you've done it before you can do again :]

johari

nohari

thanks.

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12:55 AM

small successes seem so insignificant beside the mountain of failures.

tonight's the first time the thought of giving up occurred to me. not that i think i will, but it's the first time i've thought this way.

and grow up. don't need to show everything on your face.

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meishi

trying to be someone i'm not.

make me happy



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the past

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