the first was a malay funeral. they were carrying the coffin down the stairs i use everyday. everybody was standing around in dark colours, white and black, and it looked so strange because i don't think i see a lot of malays wearing black and white at all. maybe it's just me.
the second one was the block behind mine. it was a chinese, a small affair, and it was gone in a day or two - i never really noticed until it was.
the third one i saw was my grandad's. mother side. it was the funeral i remember most clearly. i remember it was the second i attended. the first was my great aunt, but i was too young to remember much. but my grandad's was different. it was my birthday, we were in the car, going to funworld (remember?) when my mum got a call that said to come see my grandad for the last time in hospital. i was 7 then, but i cried and cried and i remember wondering why no one else was sad. i don't recall whether i was sad, i cried at the smallest things. still do. but my mum said it was a good thing he passed, and i remember wondering why she said something so horrible in such a not horrible way. his was a taoist funeral, we had to wear all the different coloured clothes for our ranks and burn paper houses. i remembered the whole thing as huge and sad.
then i saw the funeral i never wanted to see, or thought i'll see. i remember getting my first paycheck for my hols work last year. i told my mum i was planning to bring my aunt and my great grandma and my grandparents out to eat, cos well, that's what you do with your first paycheck, but i couldn't because my great grandma couldn't walk far. she could walk fine, but not far. i got popiah back for her. at the time she was still living at her own place. she used to always sit at the void deck with her friends. they were all old women, but i realised for the first time how old she was when they called her ah um. i went back with popiah now and then, and i remember my mum wondered out loud whether she'll live to see my first real paycheck, after i graduate.
i got the call during my legal tutorial. my aunt called and asked me where i was, then she said 太嬤走了. we had been reading the buddhist scriptures to her since the previous day, all through the night until she passed. she was in a coma by then, but her mouth will move when we read them.
i don't know about all this religion thing. maybe it worked for her because she believed in it. her mouth was crooked during the night, but by the time she passed, my aunt told me her face was beautiful, she went very peacefully. they said it was because the buddha was with her through the scriptures.
what was crazy was, the moment she stopped breathing, my aunt called the house and told them she dreamt of my great grandma. she told her she was climing up this hill. it was hard but she was going as fast as she could, and she asked us not to hurry her. i hope she knew we didn't want her to go.
it's been one week since i got the call. everyone's getting used to the empty room and empty chair in the house, but i guess we'll move on sooner or later.
